And so it begins...

Message to Mike:

I came downstairs to find your son googling Raffey Cassidy and asking for a trip to Manchester...

Secret Agent Mom

As he was heading out the door for school:

"I always thought you were part of a secret society of adults that hates kids.

But I think you might be a secret agent working to get their secrets and take them down."

Mark My Words

Busy couple of days for Drew's mouth...

Today he and I went on a long bike ride and came home sweaty and tired, and I headed upstairs to shower.  He came in after I got undressed; he was nekkid and looking for his swimsuit.  He walked by, turned back-to-back with me, and bumped behinds with me.  I shouted "Nasty!  We're both all sweaty and gross!  Also!  Sooo not appropriate!"

He got his swimsuit and left, but as he did, I could hear him say, "Mark my words...this will not be the last time we bump sweaty butts..."

I fear for the future.

One for the "skills" section of the resume

Mom.  They say you can't learn anything while in the bathroom.  But I did!  Look!  I can make my balls suck back into my body!  Watch!  Oh, I guess it only works when I'm sitting down.  Cool, huh?

Number 3

I got this email from his teacher today:

"Today Drew was in the bathroom for a while and when he came back explained that he had taken a "number three".  Curious  I asked, "Number three?" To which he replied, " yes Mrs. K****, it's a mix of a number one and a number two." Sounding like diarrhea, I asked him if he felt okay and that if he had another number three to let me know.

Gave me a good chuckle...in all my time working with kids, a number three was a first for me to hear."

Old Folks' Home

Mike and Drew are having a discussion about long-term living situations.

M:  I'm going to live with your mother until she dies.
B:  Then he's going to live at the old-folks' home.
D:  He's going to live at Grandma and Papa's?

God Cookies

He's watching America's Funniest Home Videos, and there is a video of a priest accidentally dropping the host down the bride's cleavage during communion.  I can't see the tv, so he's describing what's happening...

"The priest guy, he dropped that round thing, you know, the God cookie, down the bride's dress!"

The Jig is Up!

Yesterday Drew asked me if I was the Tooth Fairy; I tried to sidestep, redirect, and otherwise obfuscate, but he was relentless, and soon, the truth came out.  He then asked about the Easter Bunny, and, of course, Santa Claus.  Again, he eventually got the truth out of me.  Then...
"So, any other holiday things you need to tell me about, or is that it?"

Bad Rap

Drew:  I don't like hip hop rappers.
Me:  What are hip hop rappers?
Drew:  A kind of bunny rabbit.
Drew:  *looks at me like, Duuuuhhhh*

Channeling his inner Yoda

On Tuesdays, I go have beer with the guys. Beth asked me this afternoon if I could not drive tonight.
Me: I'll try, but I think it might be my turn.
Drew: Dad. There is no 'try'. Only 'do'.

Nothing is Impossible

At the hockey game last night...

M:  Drew, the Silvertips are losing, 7 to 1.  They can't win, it's impossible.
D:  No, it's not impossible.
M:  7 to 1.  Impossible.

D:  No, dad, not impossible.  Improbable.  Not impossible.

Teleport?

Yelled down the stairs:  "Abby just broke the laws of physics.  She pooped in my room while the door was shut!"

TTBS: Uncle Jaysee Edition

I love my brother in law, Jason, to death. He's one of my favorite people, truly. Drew loves him, too. Until recently, his stated career goal was to be a heavy equipment operator and work with Uncle Jason (this has recently been usurped by "working at Microsoft, because they have Nerf battles every day" -- I'm pretty sure Mike does some work there, but also, epic Nerf shootouts with his workmates).

So, in honor of "Uncle Jaysee," as he was known when Drew was a wee bitty, I present two recent Drew-isms.

Drew strolls out of the bathroom, and says, conversationally, "Fuck!"
B: Excuse me?
D: Fuck.
B: That's what I thought you said. *pauses* Where did you learn that word?
D: Uncle Jason.
B: Aah.


In Fred Meyer, at the customer service kiosk, returning a toy:
D: My Uncle Jason likes that kind of chew! *points*
Clerk: Uhhh....okay?

Planning for the Worst

Not your typical TTBS post...

Drew and I were discussing why our dog Abby can't have puppies; this led to a discussion about humans, uterii, and those among our acquaintance who have had a hysterectomy.

"Mom. If I get sick, and then I die, it's good that you still have your uterus. Because then you could have another baby."

"Drew. No other baby could ever replace you if you died. You're it for me, no more babies."

"Well. Let's try not to let that happen, then."

Vacuum Man

The other day, Drew needed something to carry a couple of small toys; I suggested he go get his vacuum bag, a small, handled bag I made for him with a (surprise!) applique of a vacuum cleaner on the front. Thus began a discussion about Drew's two-year long obsession with vacuums. I had forgotten a lot of this, so I decided to write it down. It started when he was about a year and a half old; suddenly, he spent a lot of time looking at and talking about our vacuum cleaner.

Over the next few months, his obsession continued. Sunday mornings, as I read the paper, he would ask for the "macuum" section, and I would dutifully tear out the ads featuring vacuum cleaners for him. Any trip to Costco, I built in an extra twenty minutes so he could fondle the new models in the "macuum aisle." My dad was left in charge of Drew while I was at the hospital for my niece, Alexis' birth; on my suggestion, he took him to Ace Hardware for a tour of their floor-cleaning section. I turned to etsy for a t-shirt that would express his love. Christmas and birthday gifts were easy; at one point we had two toy vacuums and a toy dustbuster. He liked to take a turn when it was time to vacuum our carpets, but I'm sad to say his love of vacuums didn't extend to obsessive USE of the item. And, after a couple of years, his interest petered out. Apparently this phenomenon is not uncommon. In any case, Drew really enjoyed hearing all the things I could remember about this odd, quirky time in his life, and I had a good laugh remembering.

Vignettes

Earlier this week, Drew was invited on a quick grocery trip with our neighbor Lisa and her two daughters. As they were checking out, Drew deadpanned to the checker, "She's not my mommy. She stole me from my mommy."

---

Just now, "Can you be a sweetie and get me set up with my dulce de leche?"

Potty Mouth

D: Mom, today at school I put my tongue on the urinal.
B: *gags* WHAT!!!!???? Why, WHY would you do something like that????
D: I'm practicing to be on "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Too Realistic

On receiving the Disneyland Adventures game for Kinect, Drew asked,
"Do I have to wait in lines and stuff?"

Wayback Edition

When Drew was just a toddler, I once steam cleaned the carpets, leaving behind clumps of hair (we have two cats, fur everywhere!). I asked Drew to help out by picking them up, and gave him a baby wipe to pick them up with. I checked on him a couple minutes later, and he was going from clump to clump, picking them up and muttering "JesusChrist" each time. That's when I realized what I look and sound like every time I clean up a pile of cat vomit. Little mimic.

Empire Builder

Drew, noticing Mike playing a new video game on his laptop, asks what the object of the game is.
M: Building an empire.
D: Evil?

On the Record

Mom, on the record, I love you very much.
:)

Again, Without Words

I came downstairs this morning, and asked Drew if Abby, our dog, had gone outside yet.
"Yes."
"Did she go potty?"
"I sniffed her vagina and I think so. I'm an expert vagina-sniffer."
"...."

Faith of a Child

In the car today, Drew and I discussed Christianity.
B: A Christian is someone who believes in God and loves Jesus.
D: Am I a Christian?
B: What do you think?
D: Well, I do believe in God, and Jesus. And I would never pull the beard off a Santa Claus like that mean girl in Rugrats. I believe in him, too.

Secret Ingredient

Last night we were enjoying some hot chocolate (oh, summer, how you've failed us!), and I asked Drew how it tasted.
"It's delicious, because it's made with love!"
Indeed.

I'm ready for my breakfast, now!

Drew and I got off to a rocky start this morning; he sequestered himself in his room and I've been enjoying a quiet morning downstairs. However, at regular intervals, he is yelling down the stairs, "Mommy! When you are ready to make my breakfast you can bring it up to me. Anytime now!"
Keep dreaming, kid.

Multi-Lingual

Drew just told me that Scooby Doo calls Shaggy, "Raggy" because he speaks in a different language, just like Grady. "You know, like he says 'Hi Dwoo!'"
(Grady is a four-year old neighbor boy)

Rapture

From the backseat: "Guitars?? I thought he only ate cars??"

Baginas

Mom, girls have cooties.
Mom, what are cooties?
Well, if you don't know what cooties are, maybe you shouldn't talk about them?
*silence*
Mom, are cooties baginas?

Capable

I was telling Drew we should take advantage of the nice day to finally spread the horse manure compost I picked up a few weeks back.
"Mom, you are fully capable of spreading the horse poop around by yourself."
It's good to be capable. Fully.

Whiner

Drew's front two teeth have loose for a while now. In the last few days the right one has gotten very loose. While on a bus-ferry outing with Beth yesterday, she convinced him to twist it around, thinking that it would just pop out, it didn't. What it did do is hurt and piss him off. So much so that he refused to sit with her on the bus. When he got home he fell asleep on the couch. Beth suggested we wake him up and make him go to bed. I told her we should wait for him to get into deeper sleep and then yank the tooth. After a while, I scrubbed up, grabbed a tissue and went in after it. It either hurt more than we thought or he wasn't as asleep as we thought. He immediately started thrashing around and whining. We were commited to removing the tooth. Finally, I held him down and Beth reached in and pulled it.

For the next 15 minutes, he layed on her lap whining and crying....in his sleep. We felt really bad and were worried that he would be even more mad at us when he woke up.

Holding the tooth in my open hand, I say to him, "Hey Drew look what I have!"

He wakes right up, stops whining and responds with, "What is that? Is that my tooth?" Looks at his reflection in the window. "Well, what do you know?" Climbs off Beth's lap and heads off to the restroom like nothing happened.

Tell Me Where It Hurts

Drew complained that he had an owie, "between my hips and my upper part." I said, "So your tummy hurts?" Yep.

Homonym

At breakfast with grandpa:
D: "This toast is damn good!"
G: "Little boys don't use the word 'damn' in a sentence."
D: "Duuuh! It was a beaver dam!

Off to Work

As Grandpa was leaving for work this morning, I said "Off to the salt mines?"
Drew says, "No, mama, he's off to the rat race!"

Pot, Meet Kettle

Drew was at his friend Gibson's house earlier today, and at one point Gibson's brother Grady was having a bit of a meltdown. Drew was there to share this astute observation:
"What a sad, sad child."

The Murray Video

More on the Senator

On the heels of his Patty Murray outburst, I offer this little gem:
I was sitting here watching the Murray-Rossi debate, when Drew came downstairs from his bath, and, prompted by Mike to butter me up so I would come up and read a story to him, said, "Mommy, did you know that I love you, and that you're beautiful, and will you come read me a story, HEY! That's Patty Murray!!"
Later...
"She votes for special agents."

Siblings

Drew has been talking about siblings a lot lately; he wants one. I've reminded him that he does, in fact, have a half-brother (my birth son, Michael, who lives with his adopted family not far from us).
"Is he my half brother or my real brother?"
"Both. Your half brother is your real brother."
"Hmm. Same mommy, but different daddies, right?"
"Yep."
"AWKward!"

Beatdown

To his opponent, before a sparring match at karate this morning:
"You're going DOWN!"

Political Mouthpiece

Sitting at lunch:
"Call Senator Patty Murray and tell her she's helping the wrong Washington!"

Burning Rubber

Drew recently learned how to ride his bike without training wheels; he still likes a little help getting going, however. So today, after a few turns around the cul-de-sac, he turns to me and says, "Hey mom, hold my bike," gets off the bike, leans down, and smells the front tire.
"Yep, it's burning!"
Slow down, kiddo, you're growing up so fast!

Well, Duh.

Drew has a bad habit of turning on a TV show, then wandering off and ignoring it while his short attention span bounces around the house. However, if you try to turn off the show, he freaks out and insists he's watching it. Mike tried to demonstrate Drew's lack of attention to the TV tonight, saying "If you're watching the TV, then what are they doing on Scooby Doo right now?"
In his best DUUUH voice, Drew replied, "They're solving a mystery!"

Baseball or Cabinetry?

Drew opened every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen and declared "It's Opening Day!"

Put the Mouse Back in the House

Mike and I had to go to an early meeting, so we dropped Drew off at Kattie's for a couple hours. As we drove along 405, Drew noted that there was a huge hole in the crotch of his pants. Given his recent shunning of underpants, this meant all of his...assets...were on full view. I warned Kattie her girls might get an eyeful, Drew being a typical male and obsessed, if not proud, of his penis.
After I picked him up, I sent Kattie a text thanking her for watching him. Her response:
"No prob! My fave part was when he was laying on the floor spread eagle and yelling 'It won't stay in!!'"

Body Image

While I was getting dressed, Drew repeatedly tried to get behind me and pinch and/or smack my butt.
"Drew. That is MY butt, you don't touch it. If you want to touch a butt, touch your own."
"But moooom! Your butt is so jiggly and fun to play with!"
FML

In the Garden

While gardening yesterday, I dropped a trowel on my foot.
B: "Ouch!"
D: "What, mommy?"
B: "I dropped the small shovel on my foot!"
D: "Shit!"
B: "What??"
D: "Oopsie daisy!"

National Bird

As the Fourth of July approaches, many fireworks stands appear along the roadsides. One near our house features an enormous blow-up American eagle with an American flag-draped body.
"Look, Drew!"
"Oooh, it's a seahawk! Wearing pajamas!"

Did He Use a Slide Rule For That?

Drew wandered inside to take Mike's handheld video game to him. When he came back outside, I asked him if Mike had appreciated Drew's bringing it to him.
Drew replied, "According to my calculations...yes."

Red blooded

While out at dinner tonight, Drew looks at me and says "What up? That's hello in American."

I am as always, speechless

Screaming Strawberry Mama

While at my parents' house last week, I bit into a just-picked strawberry, and an earwig crawled out. It freaked me out so much, I ran around the house screaming for several minutes, which in turn scared Drew, who was watching a movie with my mom in the other room.

Later, mom and Drew had resumed their movie when he turned to her and said "You know, this never would have happened if you hadn't planted those strawberries."

A few minutes after that, dad and I were laughing heartily at something or other. Apparently we could be heard in the other room, because Drew looked at my mom, threw up his hands in exasperation, and blurted, "What now?!"

On Boobies

I got out of the shower, and Drew said "What are those pointy things on your boobies, mom?"
"Ummm...nipples?"
"What are those for?"
"Well, one theory is...they fed you until you were about 14 months old."
"Huh."
We then discussed the supply and demand theory of breastfeeding. He asked appropriate questions, and I tried to reply thoughtfully. After a while, he said, "Okay, mom. That's enough boobie talk."

Mega Thrusters are Go!

They should just start as Voltron.

I'm Starting to Get Worried...

Apropos of nothing:
"When I grow up, you guys are gonna be dead. That will be sad."

Birds & Bees

Drew and Isabella, one of the neighbor girls got "married" last weekend, and a lot of time this week has been spent discussing four year old view on marriage, children, birth, and gender roles. Gems include:

"William's mommy went to the hospital to have William but she couldn't get him out so they cut open her tummy and took him out then they sewed her up!"

"When we grow up and you die (there's that parental death wish again!) I will be the daddy and Isabella will be the wife and we will have two kids, a boy and a girl, and Isabella will push them out like a poop!"

After an altercation: "I'm not marrying you anymore!" Oh, young love. If only it were that easy.

Conversations with Kattie

Our friend Kattie frequently babysits Drew; the other night while we were out I got the following texts from her:

Drew: Can I have one of your chicken strips?
Me: Well, I only have two and this is my dinner.
Drew: Well, can I at least look at it?

Later...

Me: I don't know how to set up this game.
Drew: Here, I can show you how the master works.

Hearing Malfunction

I hold up a Lego guy and ask Mike "Who's this?"
Mike: "Doc Ock"
Drew: "Who's there?"

On Kale Soup

"Nice try with dinner, mom, but I didn't like it."

Reverse psychology

The other day, one of the neighbors little girls (I think she's 3) was hanging out in our garage playing with Drew's toys. Her dad (Brent) came over and was trying to convince her to go back home. She was having none of it. Finally, he tried telling her not to go home. That she shouldn't go home. Off she went.

As the 2 of them are wandering down the sidewalk, Drew yells "Clever Brent! Very clever!!"

His second language

Place: Couch
Time: Evening

Drew: Dad, my finger is bleeding.
Me: Do you want me to get you a band-aid?
Drew: (In a very dry, slightly condescending tone) No, I think I'll just bleed on the couch.

Job Prospects

On the way home from karate today, Drew informed me that when he grows up, he wants to be a karate teacher or a Jason truck driver (Jason truck = heavy machinery, in honor of his Uncle Jason).

More Musings On Parental Death

Driving home from Grandma and Papa's house, Drew wakes up from his nap, crying.
D: "I miss Grandma and Papa. I want to live next to them!"
B: "I know babe...but daddy's work is here, so this is where we live. You wouldn't want to live apart from daddy, would you?"
D: "Nooo....but if daddy dies, we can go live next to Grandma and Papa! That's a plan!"
B: "But we don't want daddy to die, do we? That would be sad."
D: "No, I don't want daddy to die, but sometimes in this life, things happen."
B: ".............."

Spelling

While I get ready for work in the morning, Drew usually comes in and talks.... a lot. The other morning:
He says (sounding out each letter) "D - A - D. That's Dad right?"
Me: "Yes. Yes it is. Very good buddy!"
D: "Yeah....How do you spell Doofenshmirtz?"

Itchy

Drew has been having trouble with itching.
"Mommy, why do I have bee hives on my back?"

Discussing the Hospital

"I didn't like the looks of that place."

On Facebook

Megan Talbot Neer: jake's new phase is standing up in his crib, but he can't figure out how to get back down. so he starts crying. mad. funny.

Beth Talbot Ramsay: I just read this out loud to Mike, and Drew's response was "Well, he got himself in there, he can get himself out!"

In the Hospital

We just spent a few days in the hospital, Drew had pneumonia, poor little boo. At first they told us we'd likely be there for just one night, but his condition didn't improve enough that first day, so we had to stay a second night. Drew was NOT happy about this development.
"I want to play with my beautiful friends! I want to go to my precious home and see my precious daddy!"
Broke my heart. Glad to be in our precious home, now.

Stinky

Drew is waiting for me to go take a shower so we can go to the Everett Children's Museum. He thinks I should go without showering, but since I didn't shower yesterday, I told him I really needed to shower because I'm stinky. His advice? Just don't go near anyone while we're at the museum, and take a shower when we get home.
I'm a mother, not a leper!

iPhone

Auntie Megan showed Drew the BalloonAnimal application on her iPhone, and he really liked it. Today, in the car, we were talking about why Mike and I don't have balloon animals on our phones (neither of us have succumbed to the iPhone). I think he grasped the concept, because he said, "Mom, when you die and a new mommy comes to live at our house, can you make sure she has an iPhone?"
Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Phone Number

Proving that repetition will eventually help you learn anything...Drew just walked up to me and recited my phone number, something I've never tried to teach him. I imagine he's heard me leaving messages enough that he picked it up on his own.

We've been playing a lot of Lego Star Wars...

Drew made reference to the "Battle Sphere" -- it took us a minute to realize he was talking about the Death Star.

Chuck

After seeing a Chuck E Cheese commercial

D: "I've been to Chuck E Cheese"
B: "Really?"
D: "Yeah. You remember that day when you told us to get out of the house so you could clean it?"
B: "Yes"
D: "And we bought you flowers that you didn't like and you let die?"
B:"Yes
D:"Yeah, that was the day we went to Chuck E Cheese"

From the Backseat

Driving home from preschool:
"Mom, look!"
I turn and see him making the face from "Home Alone"
"It's my O-Face!"

Show and Tell

Earlier this year, we went to Drew's new preschool for a meet and greet before school started. On our way to the car, he was lamenting the lack of Transformers toys in his new classroom.
B: "Maybe you can bring one of your Transformers for show and tell?"
D: *thinks*
D: "Actually, I think I want to bring my penis for show and tell."
B: *dies*

Wounded

In a rush to answer the phone, I banged my knee really good on the coffee table. A few minutes after I hang up, I finally decide to see how bad it is. An inch long gash.

D: "Can I see?"
M: "Sure"
D: "Ooh. Can I touch it?
M: "Uhh. No"
D: " Please? It will only hurt a little bit"
M: "No. It already hurts a little bit"
D: "Oh....... Can I touch it?"

Lincoln logs

Location: Drew's Bed
Time: Bedtime
Story: After his bedtime story, he proceeded to tell me about the lincoln log house he had built. D: "So Dad, I didn't put any doors in the house."
Me: "No big deal son. Your next house can have a door"
D: "But I did put in windows"
M: "Uh-huh"
D: "The people , who are made out of lincoln logs, yeah, they can climb in thru the windows"
M: "That sounds like a good idea"
D: "Yeah, and then they can sit on their furniture, which is also made out of lincoln logs"
M: "Well, of course they can"
D: "And then they can go to their refigerator, which is made out of lincoln logs, and get some food, which is made out of lincoln logs"
M: "Well, if they are hungry, sure, why not"
D: "Dad?"
M: "Yes Drew?"
D: "Can you leave now?"
M: "Sure. Good night"

On the Couch, Saturday Morning

Apropos of nothing whatsoever:
In a despondent voice, "Daddy, I worry about you."

In the Grocery Store

Drew has been attending hockey games with us for a year or so, now. One of the fun things they do at every game is a "watch the hockey puck" shell game broadcast on the pseudo-Jumbotron. We were in the grocery store, selecting yogurt, and Drew was arranging them in the cart; in fact, he was shuffling them like a shyster on a New York City streetcorner.
"Keep your eyes on the yogurt, people. Keep your eyes on the yogurt."

On the Way to Preschool

Drew is in the backseat, narrating a scene between Bumblebee and Hightower, two of his Transformers.
"Ha ha ha! I've got you in my clutches, Bumblebee!"
A ruckus ensues.
"I escaped, Hightower! Your clutches are broken!"