And so it begins...

Message to Mike:

I came downstairs to find your son googling Raffey Cassidy and asking for a trip to Manchester...

Secret Agent Mom

As he was heading out the door for school:

"I always thought you were part of a secret society of adults that hates kids.

But I think you might be a secret agent working to get their secrets and take them down."

Mark My Words

Busy couple of days for Drew's mouth...

Today he and I went on a long bike ride and came home sweaty and tired, and I headed upstairs to shower.  He came in after I got undressed; he was nekkid and looking for his swimsuit.  He walked by, turned back-to-back with me, and bumped behinds with me.  I shouted "Nasty!  We're both all sweaty and gross!  Also!  Sooo not appropriate!"

He got his swimsuit and left, but as he did, I could hear him say, "Mark my words...this will not be the last time we bump sweaty butts..."

I fear for the future.

One for the "skills" section of the resume

Mom.  They say you can't learn anything while in the bathroom.  But I did!  Look!  I can make my balls suck back into my body!  Watch!  Oh, I guess it only works when I'm sitting down.  Cool, huh?

Number 3

I got this email from his teacher today:

"Today Drew was in the bathroom for a while and when he came back explained that he had taken a "number three".  Curious  I asked, "Number three?" To which he replied, " yes Mrs. K****, it's a mix of a number one and a number two." Sounding like diarrhea, I asked him if he felt okay and that if he had another number three to let me know.

Gave me a good chuckle...in all my time working with kids, a number three was a first for me to hear."

Old Folks' Home

Mike and Drew are having a discussion about long-term living situations.

M:  I'm going to live with your mother until she dies.
B:  Then he's going to live at the old-folks' home.
D:  He's going to live at Grandma and Papa's?

God Cookies

He's watching America's Funniest Home Videos, and there is a video of a priest accidentally dropping the host down the bride's cleavage during communion.  I can't see the tv, so he's describing what's happening...

"The priest guy, he dropped that round thing, you know, the God cookie, down the bride's dress!"

The Jig is Up!

Yesterday Drew asked me if I was the Tooth Fairy; I tried to sidestep, redirect, and otherwise obfuscate, but he was relentless, and soon, the truth came out.  He then asked about the Easter Bunny, and, of course, Santa Claus.  Again, he eventually got the truth out of me.  Then...
"So, any other holiday things you need to tell me about, or is that it?"

Bad Rap

Drew:  I don't like hip hop rappers.
Me:  What are hip hop rappers?
Drew:  A kind of bunny rabbit.
Drew:  *looks at me like, Duuuuhhhh*

Channeling his inner Yoda

On Tuesdays, I go have beer with the guys. Beth asked me this afternoon if I could not drive tonight.
Me: I'll try, but I think it might be my turn.
Drew: Dad. There is no 'try'. Only 'do'.

Nothing is Impossible

At the hockey game last night...

M:  Drew, the Silvertips are losing, 7 to 1.  They can't win, it's impossible.
D:  No, it's not impossible.
M:  7 to 1.  Impossible.

D:  No, dad, not impossible.  Improbable.  Not impossible.

Teleport?

Yelled down the stairs:  "Abby just broke the laws of physics.  She pooped in my room while the door was shut!"

TTBS: Uncle Jaysee Edition

I love my brother in law, Jason, to death. He's one of my favorite people, truly. Drew loves him, too. Until recently, his stated career goal was to be a heavy equipment operator and work with Uncle Jason (this has recently been usurped by "working at Microsoft, because they have Nerf battles every day" -- I'm pretty sure Mike does some work there, but also, epic Nerf shootouts with his workmates).

So, in honor of "Uncle Jaysee," as he was known when Drew was a wee bitty, I present two recent Drew-isms.

Drew strolls out of the bathroom, and says, conversationally, "Fuck!"
B: Excuse me?
D: Fuck.
B: That's what I thought you said. *pauses* Where did you learn that word?
D: Uncle Jason.
B: Aah.


In Fred Meyer, at the customer service kiosk, returning a toy:
D: My Uncle Jason likes that kind of chew! *points*
Clerk: Uhhh....okay?

Planning for the Worst

Not your typical TTBS post...

Drew and I were discussing why our dog Abby can't have puppies; this led to a discussion about humans, uterii, and those among our acquaintance who have had a hysterectomy.

"Mom. If I get sick, and then I die, it's good that you still have your uterus. Because then you could have another baby."

"Drew. No other baby could ever replace you if you died. You're it for me, no more babies."

"Well. Let's try not to let that happen, then."

Vacuum Man

The other day, Drew needed something to carry a couple of small toys; I suggested he go get his vacuum bag, a small, handled bag I made for him with a (surprise!) applique of a vacuum cleaner on the front. Thus began a discussion about Drew's two-year long obsession with vacuums. I had forgotten a lot of this, so I decided to write it down. It started when he was about a year and a half old; suddenly, he spent a lot of time looking at and talking about our vacuum cleaner.

Over the next few months, his obsession continued. Sunday mornings, as I read the paper, he would ask for the "macuum" section, and I would dutifully tear out the ads featuring vacuum cleaners for him. Any trip to Costco, I built in an extra twenty minutes so he could fondle the new models in the "macuum aisle." My dad was left in charge of Drew while I was at the hospital for my niece, Alexis' birth; on my suggestion, he took him to Ace Hardware for a tour of their floor-cleaning section. I turned to etsy for a t-shirt that would express his love. Christmas and birthday gifts were easy; at one point we had two toy vacuums and a toy dustbuster. He liked to take a turn when it was time to vacuum our carpets, but I'm sad to say his love of vacuums didn't extend to obsessive USE of the item. And, after a couple of years, his interest petered out. Apparently this phenomenon is not uncommon. In any case, Drew really enjoyed hearing all the things I could remember about this odd, quirky time in his life, and I had a good laugh remembering.

Vignettes

Earlier this week, Drew was invited on a quick grocery trip with our neighbor Lisa and her two daughters. As they were checking out, Drew deadpanned to the checker, "She's not my mommy. She stole me from my mommy."

---

Just now, "Can you be a sweetie and get me set up with my dulce de leche?"

Potty Mouth

D: Mom, today at school I put my tongue on the urinal.
B: *gags* WHAT!!!!???? Why, WHY would you do something like that????
D: I'm practicing to be on "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Too Realistic

On receiving the Disneyland Adventures game for Kinect, Drew asked,
"Do I have to wait in lines and stuff?"

Wayback Edition

When Drew was just a toddler, I once steam cleaned the carpets, leaving behind clumps of hair (we have two cats, fur everywhere!). I asked Drew to help out by picking them up, and gave him a baby wipe to pick them up with. I checked on him a couple minutes later, and he was going from clump to clump, picking them up and muttering "JesusChrist" each time. That's when I realized what I look and sound like every time I clean up a pile of cat vomit. Little mimic.

Empire Builder

Drew, noticing Mike playing a new video game on his laptop, asks what the object of the game is.
M: Building an empire.
D: Evil?