Put the Mouse Back in the House

Mike and I had to go to an early meeting, so we dropped Drew off at Kattie's for a couple hours. As we drove along 405, Drew noted that there was a huge hole in the crotch of his pants. Given his recent shunning of underpants, this meant all of his...assets...were on full view. I warned Kattie her girls might get an eyeful, Drew being a typical male and obsessed, if not proud, of his penis.
After I picked him up, I sent Kattie a text thanking her for watching him. Her response:
"No prob! My fave part was when he was laying on the floor spread eagle and yelling 'It won't stay in!!'"

Body Image

While I was getting dressed, Drew repeatedly tried to get behind me and pinch and/or smack my butt.
"Drew. That is MY butt, you don't touch it. If you want to touch a butt, touch your own."
"But moooom! Your butt is so jiggly and fun to play with!"
FML

In the Garden

While gardening yesterday, I dropped a trowel on my foot.
B: "Ouch!"
D: "What, mommy?"
B: "I dropped the small shovel on my foot!"
D: "Shit!"
B: "What??"
D: "Oopsie daisy!"

National Bird

As the Fourth of July approaches, many fireworks stands appear along the roadsides. One near our house features an enormous blow-up American eagle with an American flag-draped body.
"Look, Drew!"
"Oooh, it's a seahawk! Wearing pajamas!"

Did He Use a Slide Rule For That?

Drew wandered inside to take Mike's handheld video game to him. When he came back outside, I asked him if Mike had appreciated Drew's bringing it to him.
Drew replied, "According to my calculations...yes."

Red blooded

While out at dinner tonight, Drew looks at me and says "What up? That's hello in American."

I am as always, speechless

Screaming Strawberry Mama

While at my parents' house last week, I bit into a just-picked strawberry, and an earwig crawled out. It freaked me out so much, I ran around the house screaming for several minutes, which in turn scared Drew, who was watching a movie with my mom in the other room.

Later, mom and Drew had resumed their movie when he turned to her and said "You know, this never would have happened if you hadn't planted those strawberries."

A few minutes after that, dad and I were laughing heartily at something or other. Apparently we could be heard in the other room, because Drew looked at my mom, threw up his hands in exasperation, and blurted, "What now?!"

On Boobies

I got out of the shower, and Drew said "What are those pointy things on your boobies, mom?"
"Ummm...nipples?"
"What are those for?"
"Well, one theory is...they fed you until you were about 14 months old."
"Huh."
We then discussed the supply and demand theory of breastfeeding. He asked appropriate questions, and I tried to reply thoughtfully. After a while, he said, "Okay, mom. That's enough boobie talk."

Mega Thrusters are Go!

They should just start as Voltron.

I'm Starting to Get Worried...

Apropos of nothing:
"When I grow up, you guys are gonna be dead. That will be sad."

Birds & Bees

Drew and Isabella, one of the neighbor girls got "married" last weekend, and a lot of time this week has been spent discussing four year old view on marriage, children, birth, and gender roles. Gems include:

"William's mommy went to the hospital to have William but she couldn't get him out so they cut open her tummy and took him out then they sewed her up!"

"When we grow up and you die (there's that parental death wish again!) I will be the daddy and Isabella will be the wife and we will have two kids, a boy and a girl, and Isabella will push them out like a poop!"

After an altercation: "I'm not marrying you anymore!" Oh, young love. If only it were that easy.

Conversations with Kattie

Our friend Kattie frequently babysits Drew; the other night while we were out I got the following texts from her:

Drew: Can I have one of your chicken strips?
Me: Well, I only have two and this is my dinner.
Drew: Well, can I at least look at it?

Later...

Me: I don't know how to set up this game.
Drew: Here, I can show you how the master works.

Hearing Malfunction

I hold up a Lego guy and ask Mike "Who's this?"
Mike: "Doc Ock"
Drew: "Who's there?"

On Kale Soup

"Nice try with dinner, mom, but I didn't like it."

Reverse psychology

The other day, one of the neighbors little girls (I think she's 3) was hanging out in our garage playing with Drew's toys. Her dad (Brent) came over and was trying to convince her to go back home. She was having none of it. Finally, he tried telling her not to go home. That she shouldn't go home. Off she went.

As the 2 of them are wandering down the sidewalk, Drew yells "Clever Brent! Very clever!!"

His second language

Place: Couch
Time: Evening

Drew: Dad, my finger is bleeding.
Me: Do you want me to get you a band-aid?
Drew: (In a very dry, slightly condescending tone) No, I think I'll just bleed on the couch.

Job Prospects

On the way home from karate today, Drew informed me that when he grows up, he wants to be a karate teacher or a Jason truck driver (Jason truck = heavy machinery, in honor of his Uncle Jason).

More Musings On Parental Death

Driving home from Grandma and Papa's house, Drew wakes up from his nap, crying.
D: "I miss Grandma and Papa. I want to live next to them!"
B: "I know babe...but daddy's work is here, so this is where we live. You wouldn't want to live apart from daddy, would you?"
D: "Nooo....but if daddy dies, we can go live next to Grandma and Papa! That's a plan!"
B: "But we don't want daddy to die, do we? That would be sad."
D: "No, I don't want daddy to die, but sometimes in this life, things happen."
B: ".............."

Spelling

While I get ready for work in the morning, Drew usually comes in and talks.... a lot. The other morning:
He says (sounding out each letter) "D - A - D. That's Dad right?"
Me: "Yes. Yes it is. Very good buddy!"
D: "Yeah....How do you spell Doofenshmirtz?"

Itchy

Drew has been having trouble with itching.
"Mommy, why do I have bee hives on my back?"