The Jig is Up!

Yesterday Drew asked me if I was the Tooth Fairy; I tried to sidestep, redirect, and otherwise obfuscate, but he was relentless, and soon, the truth came out.  He then asked about the Easter Bunny, and, of course, Santa Claus.  Again, he eventually got the truth out of me.  Then...
"So, any other holiday things you need to tell me about, or is that it?"

Bad Rap

Drew:  I don't like hip hop rappers.
Me:  What are hip hop rappers?
Drew:  A kind of bunny rabbit.
Drew:  *looks at me like, Duuuuhhhh*

Channeling his inner Yoda

On Tuesdays, I go have beer with the guys. Beth asked me this afternoon if I could not drive tonight.
Me: I'll try, but I think it might be my turn.
Drew: Dad. There is no 'try'. Only 'do'.

Nothing is Impossible

At the hockey game last night...

M:  Drew, the Silvertips are losing, 7 to 1.  They can't win, it's impossible.
D:  No, it's not impossible.
M:  7 to 1.  Impossible.

D:  No, dad, not impossible.  Improbable.  Not impossible.

Teleport?

Yelled down the stairs:  "Abby just broke the laws of physics.  She pooped in my room while the door was shut!"

TTBS: Uncle Jaysee Edition

I love my brother in law, Jason, to death. He's one of my favorite people, truly. Drew loves him, too. Until recently, his stated career goal was to be a heavy equipment operator and work with Uncle Jason (this has recently been usurped by "working at Microsoft, because they have Nerf battles every day" -- I'm pretty sure Mike does some work there, but also, epic Nerf shootouts with his workmates).

So, in honor of "Uncle Jaysee," as he was known when Drew was a wee bitty, I present two recent Drew-isms.

Drew strolls out of the bathroom, and says, conversationally, "Fuck!"
B: Excuse me?
D: Fuck.
B: That's what I thought you said. *pauses* Where did you learn that word?
D: Uncle Jason.
B: Aah.


In Fred Meyer, at the customer service kiosk, returning a toy:
D: My Uncle Jason likes that kind of chew! *points*
Clerk: Uhhh....okay?

Planning for the Worst

Not your typical TTBS post...

Drew and I were discussing why our dog Abby can't have puppies; this led to a discussion about humans, uterii, and those among our acquaintance who have had a hysterectomy.

"Mom. If I get sick, and then I die, it's good that you still have your uterus. Because then you could have another baby."

"Drew. No other baby could ever replace you if you died. You're it for me, no more babies."

"Well. Let's try not to let that happen, then."

Vacuum Man

The other day, Drew needed something to carry a couple of small toys; I suggested he go get his vacuum bag, a small, handled bag I made for him with a (surprise!) applique of a vacuum cleaner on the front. Thus began a discussion about Drew's two-year long obsession with vacuums. I had forgotten a lot of this, so I decided to write it down. It started when he was about a year and a half old; suddenly, he spent a lot of time looking at and talking about our vacuum cleaner.

Over the next few months, his obsession continued. Sunday mornings, as I read the paper, he would ask for the "macuum" section, and I would dutifully tear out the ads featuring vacuum cleaners for him. Any trip to Costco, I built in an extra twenty minutes so he could fondle the new models in the "macuum aisle." My dad was left in charge of Drew while I was at the hospital for my niece, Alexis' birth; on my suggestion, he took him to Ace Hardware for a tour of their floor-cleaning section. I turned to etsy for a t-shirt that would express his love. Christmas and birthday gifts were easy; at one point we had two toy vacuums and a toy dustbuster. He liked to take a turn when it was time to vacuum our carpets, but I'm sad to say his love of vacuums didn't extend to obsessive USE of the item. And, after a couple of years, his interest petered out. Apparently this phenomenon is not uncommon. In any case, Drew really enjoyed hearing all the things I could remember about this odd, quirky time in his life, and I had a good laugh remembering.

Vignettes

Earlier this week, Drew was invited on a quick grocery trip with our neighbor Lisa and her two daughters. As they were checking out, Drew deadpanned to the checker, "She's not my mommy. She stole me from my mommy."

---

Just now, "Can you be a sweetie and get me set up with my dulce de leche?"

Potty Mouth

D: Mom, today at school I put my tongue on the urinal.
B: *gags* WHAT!!!!???? Why, WHY would you do something like that????
D: I'm practicing to be on "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Too Realistic

On receiving the Disneyland Adventures game for Kinect, Drew asked,
"Do I have to wait in lines and stuff?"

Wayback Edition

When Drew was just a toddler, I once steam cleaned the carpets, leaving behind clumps of hair (we have two cats, fur everywhere!). I asked Drew to help out by picking them up, and gave him a baby wipe to pick them up with. I checked on him a couple minutes later, and he was going from clump to clump, picking them up and muttering "JesusChrist" each time. That's when I realized what I look and sound like every time I clean up a pile of cat vomit. Little mimic.

Empire Builder

Drew, noticing Mike playing a new video game on his laptop, asks what the object of the game is.
M: Building an empire.
D: Evil?

On the Record

Mom, on the record, I love you very much.
:)

Again, Without Words

I came downstairs this morning, and asked Drew if Abby, our dog, had gone outside yet.
"Yes."
"Did she go potty?"
"I sniffed her vagina and I think so. I'm an expert vagina-sniffer."
"...."

Faith of a Child

In the car today, Drew and I discussed Christianity.
B: A Christian is someone who believes in God and loves Jesus.
D: Am I a Christian?
B: What do you think?
D: Well, I do believe in God, and Jesus. And I would never pull the beard off a Santa Claus like that mean girl in Rugrats. I believe in him, too.

Secret Ingredient

Last night we were enjoying some hot chocolate (oh, summer, how you've failed us!), and I asked Drew how it tasted.
"It's delicious, because it's made with love!"
Indeed.

I'm ready for my breakfast, now!

Drew and I got off to a rocky start this morning; he sequestered himself in his room and I've been enjoying a quiet morning downstairs. However, at regular intervals, he is yelling down the stairs, "Mommy! When you are ready to make my breakfast you can bring it up to me. Anytime now!"
Keep dreaming, kid.

Multi-Lingual

Drew just told me that Scooby Doo calls Shaggy, "Raggy" because he speaks in a different language, just like Grady. "You know, like he says 'Hi Dwoo!'"
(Grady is a four-year old neighbor boy)

Rapture

From the backseat: "Guitars?? I thought he only ate cars??"