Homonym

At breakfast with grandpa:
D: "This toast is damn good!"
G: "Little boys don't use the word 'damn' in a sentence."
D: "Duuuh! It was a beaver dam!

Off to Work

As Grandpa was leaving for work this morning, I said "Off to the salt mines?"
Drew says, "No, mama, he's off to the rat race!"

Pot, Meet Kettle

Drew was at his friend Gibson's house earlier today, and at one point Gibson's brother Grady was having a bit of a meltdown. Drew was there to share this astute observation:
"What a sad, sad child."

The Murray Video

More on the Senator

On the heels of his Patty Murray outburst, I offer this little gem:
I was sitting here watching the Murray-Rossi debate, when Drew came downstairs from his bath, and, prompted by Mike to butter me up so I would come up and read a story to him, said, "Mommy, did you know that I love you, and that you're beautiful, and will you come read me a story, HEY! That's Patty Murray!!"
Later...
"She votes for special agents."

Siblings

Drew has been talking about siblings a lot lately; he wants one. I've reminded him that he does, in fact, have a half-brother (my birth son, Michael, who lives with his adopted family not far from us).
"Is he my half brother or my real brother?"
"Both. Your half brother is your real brother."
"Hmm. Same mommy, but different daddies, right?"
"Yep."
"AWKward!"

Beatdown

To his opponent, before a sparring match at karate this morning:
"You're going DOWN!"

Political Mouthpiece

Sitting at lunch:
"Call Senator Patty Murray and tell her she's helping the wrong Washington!"

Burning Rubber

Drew recently learned how to ride his bike without training wheels; he still likes a little help getting going, however. So today, after a few turns around the cul-de-sac, he turns to me and says, "Hey mom, hold my bike," gets off the bike, leans down, and smells the front tire.
"Yep, it's burning!"
Slow down, kiddo, you're growing up so fast!

Well, Duh.

Drew has a bad habit of turning on a TV show, then wandering off and ignoring it while his short attention span bounces around the house. However, if you try to turn off the show, he freaks out and insists he's watching it. Mike tried to demonstrate Drew's lack of attention to the TV tonight, saying "If you're watching the TV, then what are they doing on Scooby Doo right now?"
In his best DUUUH voice, Drew replied, "They're solving a mystery!"

Baseball or Cabinetry?

Drew opened every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen and declared "It's Opening Day!"

Put the Mouse Back in the House

Mike and I had to go to an early meeting, so we dropped Drew off at Kattie's for a couple hours. As we drove along 405, Drew noted that there was a huge hole in the crotch of his pants. Given his recent shunning of underpants, this meant all of his...assets...were on full view. I warned Kattie her girls might get an eyeful, Drew being a typical male and obsessed, if not proud, of his penis.
After I picked him up, I sent Kattie a text thanking her for watching him. Her response:
"No prob! My fave part was when he was laying on the floor spread eagle and yelling 'It won't stay in!!'"

Body Image

While I was getting dressed, Drew repeatedly tried to get behind me and pinch and/or smack my butt.
"Drew. That is MY butt, you don't touch it. If you want to touch a butt, touch your own."
"But moooom! Your butt is so jiggly and fun to play with!"
FML

In the Garden

While gardening yesterday, I dropped a trowel on my foot.
B: "Ouch!"
D: "What, mommy?"
B: "I dropped the small shovel on my foot!"
D: "Shit!"
B: "What??"
D: "Oopsie daisy!"

National Bird

As the Fourth of July approaches, many fireworks stands appear along the roadsides. One near our house features an enormous blow-up American eagle with an American flag-draped body.
"Look, Drew!"
"Oooh, it's a seahawk! Wearing pajamas!"

Did He Use a Slide Rule For That?

Drew wandered inside to take Mike's handheld video game to him. When he came back outside, I asked him if Mike had appreciated Drew's bringing it to him.
Drew replied, "According to my calculations...yes."

Red blooded

While out at dinner tonight, Drew looks at me and says "What up? That's hello in American."

I am as always, speechless

Screaming Strawberry Mama

While at my parents' house last week, I bit into a just-picked strawberry, and an earwig crawled out. It freaked me out so much, I ran around the house screaming for several minutes, which in turn scared Drew, who was watching a movie with my mom in the other room.

Later, mom and Drew had resumed their movie when he turned to her and said "You know, this never would have happened if you hadn't planted those strawberries."

A few minutes after that, dad and I were laughing heartily at something or other. Apparently we could be heard in the other room, because Drew looked at my mom, threw up his hands in exasperation, and blurted, "What now?!"

On Boobies

I got out of the shower, and Drew said "What are those pointy things on your boobies, mom?"
"Ummm...nipples?"
"What are those for?"
"Well, one theory is...they fed you until you were about 14 months old."
"Huh."
We then discussed the supply and demand theory of breastfeeding. He asked appropriate questions, and I tried to reply thoughtfully. After a while, he said, "Okay, mom. That's enough boobie talk."

Mega Thrusters are Go!

They should just start as Voltron.

I'm Starting to Get Worried...

Apropos of nothing:
"When I grow up, you guys are gonna be dead. That will be sad."

Birds & Bees

Drew and Isabella, one of the neighbor girls got "married" last weekend, and a lot of time this week has been spent discussing four year old view on marriage, children, birth, and gender roles. Gems include:

"William's mommy went to the hospital to have William but she couldn't get him out so they cut open her tummy and took him out then they sewed her up!"

"When we grow up and you die (there's that parental death wish again!) I will be the daddy and Isabella will be the wife and we will have two kids, a boy and a girl, and Isabella will push them out like a poop!"

After an altercation: "I'm not marrying you anymore!" Oh, young love. If only it were that easy.

Conversations with Kattie

Our friend Kattie frequently babysits Drew; the other night while we were out I got the following texts from her:

Drew: Can I have one of your chicken strips?
Me: Well, I only have two and this is my dinner.
Drew: Well, can I at least look at it?

Later...

Me: I don't know how to set up this game.
Drew: Here, I can show you how the master works.

Hearing Malfunction

I hold up a Lego guy and ask Mike "Who's this?"
Mike: "Doc Ock"
Drew: "Who's there?"

On Kale Soup

"Nice try with dinner, mom, but I didn't like it."

Reverse psychology

The other day, one of the neighbors little girls (I think she's 3) was hanging out in our garage playing with Drew's toys. Her dad (Brent) came over and was trying to convince her to go back home. She was having none of it. Finally, he tried telling her not to go home. That she shouldn't go home. Off she went.

As the 2 of them are wandering down the sidewalk, Drew yells "Clever Brent! Very clever!!"

His second language

Place: Couch
Time: Evening

Drew: Dad, my finger is bleeding.
Me: Do you want me to get you a band-aid?
Drew: (In a very dry, slightly condescending tone) No, I think I'll just bleed on the couch.

Job Prospects

On the way home from karate today, Drew informed me that when he grows up, he wants to be a karate teacher or a Jason truck driver (Jason truck = heavy machinery, in honor of his Uncle Jason).

More Musings On Parental Death

Driving home from Grandma and Papa's house, Drew wakes up from his nap, crying.
D: "I miss Grandma and Papa. I want to live next to them!"
B: "I know babe...but daddy's work is here, so this is where we live. You wouldn't want to live apart from daddy, would you?"
D: "Nooo....but if daddy dies, we can go live next to Grandma and Papa! That's a plan!"
B: "But we don't want daddy to die, do we? That would be sad."
D: "No, I don't want daddy to die, but sometimes in this life, things happen."
B: ".............."

Spelling

While I get ready for work in the morning, Drew usually comes in and talks.... a lot. The other morning:
He says (sounding out each letter) "D - A - D. That's Dad right?"
Me: "Yes. Yes it is. Very good buddy!"
D: "Yeah....How do you spell Doofenshmirtz?"

Itchy

Drew has been having trouble with itching.
"Mommy, why do I have bee hives on my back?"

Discussing the Hospital

"I didn't like the looks of that place."

On Facebook

Megan Talbot Neer: jake's new phase is standing up in his crib, but he can't figure out how to get back down. so he starts crying. mad. funny.

Beth Talbot Ramsay: I just read this out loud to Mike, and Drew's response was "Well, he got himself in there, he can get himself out!"

In the Hospital

We just spent a few days in the hospital, Drew had pneumonia, poor little boo. At first they told us we'd likely be there for just one night, but his condition didn't improve enough that first day, so we had to stay a second night. Drew was NOT happy about this development.
"I want to play with my beautiful friends! I want to go to my precious home and see my precious daddy!"
Broke my heart. Glad to be in our precious home, now.

Stinky

Drew is waiting for me to go take a shower so we can go to the Everett Children's Museum. He thinks I should go without showering, but since I didn't shower yesterday, I told him I really needed to shower because I'm stinky. His advice? Just don't go near anyone while we're at the museum, and take a shower when we get home.
I'm a mother, not a leper!

iPhone

Auntie Megan showed Drew the BalloonAnimal application on her iPhone, and he really liked it. Today, in the car, we were talking about why Mike and I don't have balloon animals on our phones (neither of us have succumbed to the iPhone). I think he grasped the concept, because he said, "Mom, when you die and a new mommy comes to live at our house, can you make sure she has an iPhone?"
Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Phone Number

Proving that repetition will eventually help you learn anything...Drew just walked up to me and recited my phone number, something I've never tried to teach him. I imagine he's heard me leaving messages enough that he picked it up on his own.

We've been playing a lot of Lego Star Wars...

Drew made reference to the "Battle Sphere" -- it took us a minute to realize he was talking about the Death Star.

Chuck

After seeing a Chuck E Cheese commercial

D: "I've been to Chuck E Cheese"
B: "Really?"
D: "Yeah. You remember that day when you told us to get out of the house so you could clean it?"
B: "Yes"
D: "And we bought you flowers that you didn't like and you let die?"
B:"Yes
D:"Yeah, that was the day we went to Chuck E Cheese"

From the Backseat

Driving home from preschool:
"Mom, look!"
I turn and see him making the face from "Home Alone"
"It's my O-Face!"

Show and Tell

Earlier this year, we went to Drew's new preschool for a meet and greet before school started. On our way to the car, he was lamenting the lack of Transformers toys in his new classroom.
B: "Maybe you can bring one of your Transformers for show and tell?"
D: *thinks*
D: "Actually, I think I want to bring my penis for show and tell."
B: *dies*

Wounded

In a rush to answer the phone, I banged my knee really good on the coffee table. A few minutes after I hang up, I finally decide to see how bad it is. An inch long gash.

D: "Can I see?"
M: "Sure"
D: "Ooh. Can I touch it?
M: "Uhh. No"
D: " Please? It will only hurt a little bit"
M: "No. It already hurts a little bit"
D: "Oh....... Can I touch it?"

Lincoln logs

Location: Drew's Bed
Time: Bedtime
Story: After his bedtime story, he proceeded to tell me about the lincoln log house he had built. D: "So Dad, I didn't put any doors in the house."
Me: "No big deal son. Your next house can have a door"
D: "But I did put in windows"
M: "Uh-huh"
D: "The people , who are made out of lincoln logs, yeah, they can climb in thru the windows"
M: "That sounds like a good idea"
D: "Yeah, and then they can sit on their furniture, which is also made out of lincoln logs"
M: "Well, of course they can"
D: "And then they can go to their refigerator, which is made out of lincoln logs, and get some food, which is made out of lincoln logs"
M: "Well, if they are hungry, sure, why not"
D: "Dad?"
M: "Yes Drew?"
D: "Can you leave now?"
M: "Sure. Good night"

On the Couch, Saturday Morning

Apropos of nothing whatsoever:
In a despondent voice, "Daddy, I worry about you."

In the Grocery Store

Drew has been attending hockey games with us for a year or so, now. One of the fun things they do at every game is a "watch the hockey puck" shell game broadcast on the pseudo-Jumbotron. We were in the grocery store, selecting yogurt, and Drew was arranging them in the cart; in fact, he was shuffling them like a shyster on a New York City streetcorner.
"Keep your eyes on the yogurt, people. Keep your eyes on the yogurt."

On the Way to Preschool

Drew is in the backseat, narrating a scene between Bumblebee and Hightower, two of his Transformers.
"Ha ha ha! I've got you in my clutches, Bumblebee!"
A ruckus ensues.
"I escaped, Hightower! Your clutches are broken!"